"Do not be conformed to the likeness of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
I'm sure many of you have been where I am right now. That place where you honestly have no idea what God is planning to do with your life. That lonely room where every door out is shut in your face. That question of why imprinted on your heart and bold in your mind. I am a junior this year, which is actually quite a difficult place to be in terms of future and well..just life in general. I have always had specific passions and talents, ones that have grown and burned and are now ignited in my heart. But what they are truly there for is difficult for me to know. The creativity realm is where I flourish. Where reality and those things just outside of this realm become one in a blend of words and thoughts. Acting has been my life. With that part of my brain on high alert, a rather important part of my brain seems to have fallen asleep.
Ever since the day I learned I had 5 fingers on my hand numbers have been a plague and a torture to my soul! I have something called dyscalculia. It is a mathematical disorder, where a section of the brain doesn't receive signals and patterns like an ordinary brain does. It makes even basic math pretty much impossible, and it also effects direction, spatial perception, telling time, understanding procedures, recognizing patterns, and even driving. It is a difficult thing to have. With many tears and many hours spent on trying to maintain decent grades K-11th, I was very nervous about the ACT. Needless to say, IT WAS A NIGHTMARE. I scored terribly low on the mathematics section the first time, but I was hoping to do better on the second. My score remained the same. My third ACT test I took April 13, 2014. This time, I would be more prepared. I signed up for an ACT prep class and bought the book and spent hours preparing for that dreaded day when math and fate would again collide to determine my destiny. This time though, it was more important. I needed to get into a math class at Pellissippi and had to have at least a 19. (now don't you laugh--that may seem simple enough for a normal brain but for mine? it would definitely take a miracle.)
Now let me rabbit trail for a minute. I am one of those girls with dreams bigger than the sky. Logic and those wretched things called 'facts' don't play into my game plan at all. Jesus said that with Him, all things are possible, and that if I walk in His ways and obey His commandments, I would prosper wherever I turn. So Belmont college? Check. Vanderbilt? Why not! I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
So the day comes. I stay up the night before doing just one more math test to prepare. 7:00 AM my alarm invades my restless sleep. I get up and say a prayer before driving my two younger sisters and I to our fate. It's time for the math section. I breathe in a prayer and exhale a promise. "No good gift will you withhold" I prayed as I counted on my fingers, "from those who walk uprightly."
"Times up!" I exhale. I turn to Abi who shrugs. I cross my eyes. She laughs.
It's done now. All I can do for the moment is trust.
The ACT results come rather quickly. My fingers shake as I type in my username and password. Up comes my results. The composite number implants itself into my mind. A tinge of disappointment sinks into my once hopeful heart. At least it's better than the last one. Now to look at math. Without giving myself a second to back down I scroll to see my score. How do you describe months (well years) of practice and hope all crushed in one second? A tsunami? A hurricane? No, something a bit more subtle than that. Because you really can't process the failure all at that one moment. It's just there. And then everything else is gone. But it doesn't hit you yet. Not really.
I anxiously waited to see what my younger sister's got. Goodness, God blessed them with brains! It is a bit shameful when your 14 year old little sister scores 5 points higher than you on her first try. But I was happy for her:) I brag on my smart sisters all the time because that's all I've got! Haha!
As the day went on, the results of my test slowly sunk in. With this score in math, I couldn't get into college, not even Pellissippi!! I went to my room and buried my head in my bed. It was like all those hours of hard work and concentration just spilled out onto the floor. Why Jesus? I asked through my tears. You saw how hard I worked; how much I struggle! Will you not let me into college? I don't understand! You are probably familiar with how these types of convos usually go. I waited. I prayed. I worshiped. Jesus came to me. He was there. He saw me. He made me just how I am for a reason and a purpose. I'm going to be honest, I am still struggling with what on earth I am supposed to do with my life. The whole math issue is never going to go away, and my hearts most fervent desire (acting) is not something that is sure or guaranteed in any way! I was so lost that day. I kind of still am. This world is too big and too forceful and too fast. What's a girl to do? That afternoon the Lord led me to 1 Kings chapter 2, where David is handing the throne over to his son, Solomon. I was asking God what He wanted me to do with my life, cause things were certainly getting a bit fogged out. He answered very clearly with verse 3: "And keep the charge of the Lord your God: to walk in His ways, to keep His statues, His commandments, His judgements, and His testimonies...that you may prosper in whatever you do and wherever you turn."
Wow. There it is. There is God's roadmap for the journey of my life. Does a score on piece of paper hinder God? Does not God say that He uses the foolish (or simple) ones of this world to confound the wise? What if, instead of this score being an obstacle in my life, it is a wall that God decided to break down? That the obstacles of this world are in no way limitations to what God has planned to do? HE IS GOD. and I. AM. HIS. His words are wise, simple, and true.
1. walk in His ways
2. keep His Word
So direct. So precise. SO LIFE-CHANGING. And if you do that, then you will what? "prosper in whatever you do and wherever you turn." It's right there guys! The key to success! Do you trust Him? Do you really? That's what I'm having to discover through this painful lesson of life with a disability. BUT GOD IS GREATER. His hand is on His children! Oh, how He loves us!
Romans 12:1-2 has been my life verse, and every trial I have been through in my faith has worked to refine me in accordance to these to verses. This is God's heart. This is what His plan is for us, and the answer to all of our why's. It is here in a simple commandment from God. This is what it's all about. :)
"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to the likeness of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
Romans 12:1-2
Well, there it is folks! Been wondering what God's plan is for your life? Feeling lost, and only seeing doors slam shut in your face? Take your eyes off of this world. Do not allow your mind to be set on the things down here. God desires a HOLY, SEPARATE, TRANSFORMED, living sacrifice, only attained from letting go of this world and listening to Him. Let go. Let God be God, and do what He is going to do with your life. There is absolutely NO limitations for the one who is being transformed by Him.
Dream Big! Our God is bigger:)
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