Beating Waves and Breaking Hearts

 "But He was in the stern, asleep on a pillow. And they awoke Him and said to Him, 'Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?'"

   It gets to a point where you feel like you can't breathe. The world keeps on turning but you just feel stuck. You wish you could make it stop. Nothing is right in the world. Screaming doesn't help. Closing your eyes doesn't make it go away. It's there. It's loud. It's evil. And it won't stop.

  It's suffering. But it isn't you that's being hurt, it's someone else. Someone too far away to hold and too distant to protect. Someone much too innocent to understand what is being done to them and all you can do is just watch. The suffering of the innocent is something that has always plagued my mind. The fact that evil is going on and I can do absolutely nothing to stop it tortures me. I would give anything to just be able to whisper into one their ear's...it's going to be all right. But I'm here. And they are over there. I can't. It all just seems to be getting worse.

   One particular day I saw something that really disturbed me. It was so unjust, so unfair, so cruel. And there was nothing I could do to stop it. I cried out to God. I asked Him why? How can all of this be allowed to happen; how can the universe stay running, when so much pain is being experienced throughout the world? It didn't make sense. It wasn't fair. I cried every night...one morning I said
"God, I'm dying inside. I'm dying. I can't do this. Don't you see me? Don't you see this suffering of the innocent?  Don't you care?" It was a bold thing to say. God knew that I understood that He cared. But my heart was breaking. I needed to hear from Him. I went to open up my Bible, desperately needing God to speak to me. I opened up to Mark 4. What I read there changed my life.

"On the same day, when evening had come, He said to them, 'Let us cross over the other side.' Now when they had left the multitude, they took Him along in the boat as He was. ...And a great windstorm arose, and the waves beat  into the boat, so that it was already filling. 

But He was in the stern, asleep on a pillow. And they awoke Him and said to Him, "Teacher, do You not care that we are pershing?" 

Oh. Man. Sound familiar? My heart stopped. That was me. 

"Then He arose and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, "Peace, be still!" And the wind ceased and there was a great calm.  But He said to them, 'Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?' 

Mark 4: 35-40

I had no words. There it was. All the answer I need. The winds arose, the waves were beating me, and  the torment and pain was already filling my heart. Where was Jesus? He was resting. The disciples said exactly what was on my lips a few minutes prior. "Lord, don't You care that we are DYING?"  How much that must have pained His heart! The suffering and pain of this world seems so near, so present. It seems too big.

    But Jesus is over the storm. He can rebuke the wind and calm the sea that seems to be destroying me. He could rest because He could see the end! He knew that in just a little while there would be a great calm, and His name would be glorified. And all the disciples had to do was trust that He was in control, and that all would be made right in the end. 

  Far be it from me for Jesus to tell me that I have no faith! The pain is real. The waves are big. The wind is strong. But Jesus is bigger. He is in control. There will be an end to this suffering. There will be a light that overcomes the darkness, and there will be arms that lift the innocent up and comfort their hurting hearts. 

Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But one day. And I will rest in Him until that day comes, because my Jesus is bigger than the storm, and stronger than the waves, and the end of the story belong to Him! And good will triumph in the end. 

The Fast and the Furious

Where do I even begin? Life is so fast, so full, so furious. You close your eyes and it all takes the opportunity to fly by without you. Then you finally look around and realize you are in a very different place than you started. And all you can think about is how much you miss the good ole days, and the blissful memories of "then", all the while ignoring the now. Sometimes we spend so much of our time dreaming of the future and reminiscing of the past that we miss the very essence of life itself.
 
   The world renowned actor Jim Carey is quoted as saying "I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it's not the answer."

Wow. That is coming from someone who has gained the world, and is realizing he does not have the key to satisfying his own soul.

    Robin Williams had the world at his fingertips, and yet he decided to put an end to his fame-filled life. To the world, it doesn't make sense. He had everything anyone could ask for! But he wasn't happy. It's disheartening indeed, if you do not understand where the fulfillment of life comes from.

Life for me is coming fast. It's a tidal wave and I am a tiny grain of sand in the midst of a grand shore. Sometimes the dreams and passions burn so much inside of me that I shake.  I see my dreams played out in my vivid imagination before me   and I desire it so much it hurts.

   I've traveled and filled my heart with other cultures and beauty only experienced outside of our American dream.  I'm on the verge of 18 and a full year at Pellissippi. The world has its own dreams for me. They tell me life is a game and love is the price...that everyone has to place a bet, take a risk, that's life. That's being free.

Who says I have to be in a cage? Rules are for sticks in the mud. You only live once. So live it up!!
Their song is enticing, their melody tries to sweep me off my feet. Bright lights, big stages, charismatic words...it does sound exciting, doesn't it?

But I remember. I know who I am. I know where I came from, and I'm not sure where I'm going, but I know who I'm going with. The  Master of my life and the Savior of my soul. I'm jumping off a cliff. I'm crossing a line. I'm leaving everything else behind, and I am pursuing the lover of my heart. I fell for Him, when  He gave Himself for me. His melody sweeps me off my tired feet. This love is real, it's on fire, and it is a grand adventure indeed. I have placed my bet, and He has paid all the ransom needed.

Life is moving fast. I don't have time to close my eyes. He is marking the path for my feet, and I am running after His heart.

Call me crazy, but I'm not going to obey the world. I have chosen which road to take, and I will jump off this cliff called life free-falling into His arms.

Don't let life pass you by. LIVE your life. Fill up every tiny moment. Breathe in the life-filled air. Take off your shoes and feel the trodden ground. You are only one person, but you are one in a million. Completely unique and beautifully created for Him. Life is an adventure. Follow the One who created it for you. Who knows? You might just change the world.

"For we are His work of art, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared before hand, that we should walk in them."

~ Ephesians 2:10

The Subtle Storm

"Do not be conformed to the likeness of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

        I'm sure many of you have been where I am right now. That place where you honestly have no idea what God is planning to do with your life. That lonely room where every door out is shut in your face. That question of why imprinted on your heart and bold in your mind. I am a junior this year, which is actually quite a difficult  place to be in terms of future and well..just life in general. I have always had specific passions and talents, ones that have grown and burned and are now ignited in my heart. But what they are truly there for is difficult for me to know. The creativity realm is where I flourish. Where reality and those things just outside of this realm become one in a blend of words and thoughts. Acting has been my life. With that part of my brain on high alert, a rather important part of my brain seems to have fallen asleep.

  

    Ever since the day I learned I had 5 fingers on my hand numbers have been a plague and a torture to my soul! I have something called dyscalculia.  It is a mathematical disorder, where a section of the brain doesn't receive signals and patterns like an ordinary brain does. It makes even basic math pretty much impossible, and it also effects direction, spatial perception, telling time, understanding procedures, recognizing patterns, and even driving. It is a difficult thing to have. With many tears and many hours spent on trying to maintain decent grades K-11th,  I was very nervous about the ACT. Needless to say, IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.  I scored terribly low on the mathematics section the first time, but I  was hoping to do better on the second. My score remained the same. My third ACT test I took April 13, 2014. This time,  I would be more prepared. I signed up for an ACT prep class and bought the book and spent hours preparing for that dreaded day when math and fate would again collide to determine my destiny. This time though, it was more important. I needed to get into a math class at Pellissippi and had to have at least a 19. (now don't you laugh--that may seem simple enough for a normal brain but for mine? it would definitely take a miracle.)

   Now let me rabbit trail for a minute. I am one of those girls with dreams bigger than the sky. Logic and those wretched things called 'facts' don't play into my game plan at all. Jesus said that with Him, all things are possible, and that if I walk in His ways and obey His commandments, I would prosper wherever I turn. So Belmont college? Check. Vanderbilt? Why not! I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

   So the day comes. I stay up the night before doing just one more math test to prepare. 7:00 AM my alarm invades my restless sleep. I get up and say a prayer before driving my two younger sisters and I to our fate. It's time for the math section. I breathe in a prayer and exhale a promise. "No good gift will you withhold" I prayed as I counted on my fingers, "from those who walk uprightly." 

"Times up!" I exhale. I turn to Abi who shrugs. I cross my eyes. She laughs. 

It's done now. All I can do for the moment is trust. 

   The ACT results come rather quickly. My fingers shake as I type in my username and password. Up comes my results. The composite number implants itself into my mind. A tinge of disappointment sinks into my once hopeful heart. At least it's better than the last one. Now to look at math. Without giving myself a second to back down I scroll to see my score. How do you describe months (well years) of practice and hope all crushed in one second? A tsunami? A hurricane? No, something a bit more subtle  than that. Because you really can't process the failure all at that one moment. It's just there. And then everything else is gone. But it doesn't hit you yet. Not really. 

   I anxiously waited to see what my younger sister's got. Goodness, God blessed them with brains! It is a bit shameful when your 14 year old little sister scores 5 points higher than you on her first try. But I was happy for her:) I brag on my smart sisters all the time because that's all I've got! Haha! 

   As the day went on, the results of my test slowly sunk in. With this score in math, I couldn't get into college, not even Pellissippi!! I went to my room and buried my head in my bed. It was like all those hours of hard work and concentration just spilled out onto the floor. Why Jesus? I asked through my tears. You saw how hard I worked; how much I struggle! Will you not let me into college? I don't understand! You are probably familiar with how these types of convos usually go. I waited. I prayed. I worshiped. Jesus came to me. He was there. He saw me. He made me just how I am for a reason and a purpose. I'm going to be honest, I am still struggling with what on earth I am supposed to do with my life. The whole math issue is never going to go away, and my hearts most fervent desire (acting)  is not something that is sure or guaranteed in any way! I was so lost that day. I kind of still am. This world is too big and too forceful and too fast. What's a girl to do? That afternoon the Lord led me to 1 Kings chapter 2, where David is handing the throne over to his son, Solomon. I was asking God what He wanted me to do with my life, cause things were certainly getting a bit fogged out. He answered very clearly with verse 3: "And keep the charge of the Lord your God: to walk in His ways, to keep His statues, His commandments, His judgements, and His testimonies...that you may prosper in whatever you do and wherever you turn."

  

Wow. There it is. There is God's roadmap for the journey of my life. Does a score on piece of paper hinder God? Does not God say that He uses the foolish (or simple) ones of this world to confound the wise? What if, instead of this score being an obstacle in my life, it is a wall that God decided to break down? That the obstacles  of this world are in no way limitations to what God has planned to do? HE IS GOD. and I. AM. HIS. His words are wise, simple, and true. 

1. walk in His ways

2. keep His Word

So direct. So precise. SO LIFE-CHANGING. And if you do that, then you will what? "prosper in whatever you do and wherever you turn." It's right there guys! The key to success! Do you trust Him?  Do you really? That's what I'm having to discover through this painful lesson of life with a disability. BUT GOD IS GREATER. His hand is on His children! Oh, how He loves us! 

  Romans 12:1-2 has been my life verse, and every trial I have been through in my faith has worked to refine me in accordance to these to verses. This is God's heart. This is what His plan is for us, and the answer to all  of our why's. It is here in a simple commandment from God. This is what it's all about. :)

"I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to the likeness of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God."

Romans 12:1-2

Well, there it is folks! Been wondering what God's plan is for your life?  Feeling lost, and only seeing doors slam shut in your face? Take your eyes off of this world. Do not allow your mind to be set on the things down here. God desires a HOLY, SEPARATE, TRANSFORMED, living sacrifice, only attained from letting go of this world and listening to Him. Let go. Let  God be God, and do what He is going to do with your life. There is absolutely NO limitations for the one who is being transformed by Him. 

       Dream Big! Our God is bigger:)